My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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