i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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