I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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