Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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