well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
