Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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