Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
