During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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