Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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