Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
