sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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