I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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