I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
