I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
