i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
