She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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