I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
