I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
