I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
