I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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