i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
