My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
