I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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