I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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