My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
