you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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