Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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