I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
