You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
