He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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