dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
