how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
