ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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