mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
