just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
