we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
