that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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