Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
