I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Im part way to drunk.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
