You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
