I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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