She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
