Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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