I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
