I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
