When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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