I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
