epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
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Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
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I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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