I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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