moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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