If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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