My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Rumble strips road head = magical
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
