the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
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