just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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