How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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