people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
