matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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