I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
...so i touched it.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
